It’s a sad reflection of our conventional values that “communication” more often than not means “marketing/ selling”, “spinning”, “focus groups”, “talking points” etc. Communication in terms of “spinning” (which entails “cherry picking” certain facts while deliberately leaving out others) is deliberate manipulation of the unadorned Truth, and as such is a distortion, which invites further distortion by the Other/ Opponent/ Enemy. All of this leads to growing negative cycle of cynicism, suspicion, and loss of meaning/ truth….not only in our public but also private lives. For your consideration, I enclose hereunder the Communication Guidelines I have just updated for use at the Tai Chi and Meditation Centre (http://www.torontotaichimeditationcentre.com).

Communication Guidelines
Andy James, November 2011
The Concise Oxford dictionary defines “communicate” as “transmit or pass on by speaking or writing”, “succeed in conveying information, evoking understanding”, “share a feeling or understanding; relate socially”. To deeply communicate is to “commune”, which means “speak confidentially or intimately”, “feel in close touch”.

The way of communicating and relating within the Tai Chi and Meditation Centre (especially in our on-going meditation, Personal Mastery and Instructors groups) is a form of “communing”, since our foundational practice is Insight Meditation (Vipassana), which is the unconditional inquiry into everything that arises in our consciousness, including those mechanisms that create the “I” or ego. While thus seeking Truth in its deepest sense, it is counterproductive to lie, mislead, manipulate, keep secrets or engage in various ego-defensive behaviours. Speak from the Heart and Listen from the Heart. In the long run, I find it makes life much simpler, and no less effective than trying frantically to “spin” and control each interaction.

In any conversation, whether heated or not, it is best for one person to speak at a time and to use phrases like, “I think..” or “I feel…”, rather than “You are or you do….” Etc. Not everything we believe is right, even if we are given to skillful introspection, which is relatively rare. Remember that everyone strongly believes they know “reality” because of their life experience…yet opinions commonly diverge and conflict. Moreover, different cultures and religions give rise to different foundational beliefs and attitudes. It is easy for those in presently dominant cultures to think of others as lesser. Speaking from the heart is not only speaking honestly, but with compassion.

You can deeply listen without necessarily agreeing. If you are preparing a rebuttal in your head while the other person is speaking, you are probably not really listening. If you interrupt the speaker, you are definitely not listening. When my daughters were young and getting into spats and quarrels, I suggested a way of listening which I called the “Four Ls: Listen, Let go, Learn, Love”. Listening and letting go help us from falling into kneejerk reaction. This hopefully creates the space for learning and opening the Heart. Relationship and communication is like a conduit or pipe – the pipe must be open at both ends for flow. The best we can do is to keep our end open and encourage the Other to do the same. We cannot do it for anyone else.

For me, a sign that my ego is at work is whenever I feel compulsion, resistance and rigidity. Right or natural action flows like yin and yang seeking harmony.